Friday, February 24, 2012

God's Happy Endings

Here is a little quiz for you to take:

Do you often use the word “Happy”?
Have you ever said something similar to “God wants me to be happy”?
Do you believe that your happiness comes before your commitments?
Does the following sentence sound logical to you – I need to be happy before I can make others happy.

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are either a Disney Character or an inward focused person that has become totally detached from your Creator and a healthy spiritual community.

I have tried to find a nice way of writing about the subject of marriage and the insanity that I see tearing it apart almost on a weekly basis, but can not find pleasant words for a disgusting circumstance.  The common thread of all of these broken marriages is the word “Happy.”  I will break down the insanity question by question.

Do you often use the word “Happy”?

I believe you can easily judge a person’s mind based on how often they use this word.  If you ask a normal person what they hope life will be like in 10 years, they may answer by talking about a career, having kids, visiting a remote island or any normal future thing.  If you ask the selfish detached person what they hope for in the future they will say they want to be happy.

Are you kidding me?  That isn’t a goal.  The reasonable response is to talk about things or events that may affect your happiness.  People generally hope for happiness through other things.  This would be discussing the means to an outcome.  Detached people will always talk about the outcome so that the means to that outcome is not as important.  Hitler concentrated what he said on a strong and financially secure Germany and people bought into it so much that how it was accomplished was glossed over and absolutely disgusting.  If this is the concentration of your life and your goals, I am sad to say that you will destroy whatever you can to sit on a mother f’ing rainbow singing to blue-jays.

Have you said, “God wants me to be happy”?

This is one of the most loathsome things you can ever say in my presence.  This makes me feel like you may have never cracked open the Bible, and yet you talk like you have.  This would be what blasphemy sounds like. 

Our idea of a happy ending is two people on a magic flying carpet ride, some girl getting rid of her fins and growing legs to be with her prince or being awoken by true loves kiss.  By saying that God wants you to be happy, you are telling the world that you have the emotional and mental development of an 11 year old, no offense to the countless 11 year olds that probably read this.

Here are some examples of God’s happy endings:
-Being crucified upside down on a cross.
-Being boiled alive in oil and then sent to a deserted island.
-Being stoned to death.
-Having people dip you in tar and set you on fire so they can light their parties.

Next time you feel like God desires for you to be happy, crack open His actual Word and find out what he actually says about His will for you.  Next time you say that God wants you to be happy, please climb onto the tallest thing around you and yell out for everyone to hear, “I am a liar!  I only care about myself!  I don’t care if you get in my way because you don’t matter as much as I do!”  Then take a bow because for once you may have stumbled upon honesty.

Do you believe that your happiness comes before your commitments?

My wife and I bought a car last year.  Our monthly car payment is about $297.  We will be paying this for the next 4 years.  It would make me happier to spend $297 on the casino, traveling or tattoos.  Why do we continue to pay $297 a month on our car rather than fun stuff?  We do this because a commitment supersedes our happiness.

There are only 2 types of people that this logic will not make sense to….toddlers and those that are trying to justify their selfishness in breaking up a marriage.  Try going to a restaurant and ordering a sandwich, eat half of the sandwich and demand that you only be charged for the half that you ate.  This is not how any part of life works.  Marriage is not a half of sandwich.  Marriage is not a toy that is only good to have while it is convenient.  Marriage isn’t even a car payment.  Marriage is the joining of two humans in mind, body and soul.  You who believe your marriage has fallen apart or that your spouse no longer makes you happy should look in a mirror.  You have turned your mind, body and soul inward.  You are the reason that your marriage is malfunctioning.

Does the following sentence sound logical to you – I need to be happy before I can make others happy.

Who do you think you are?  Do you think you are an f’ing clown?  Nobody wants you to make them happy.  We want you to stop being selfish.  We want you to repent for the vanity you have clothed yourself in.  We want to laugh and cry with you.

I was a pothead for a really long time.  I was very happy.  I had no pain in my life.  Guess how many people were made happy by my happiness.  Um, zero. 

If you think I am writing this specifically to you, then yes…it was meant for you.

In the last 6 months I have seen my friend Andy lost and alone because his wife Bethany was not happy.  She is still searching for happiness.  God has pulled him through and he has an amazing new job helping troubled youth.  He has not searched for happiness but rather the will of his Lord and Savior.

My friend Julian has spent many nights in my office, in my home and on my porch.  He now has an empty apartment because his wife couldn’t commit to 6 months of marriage.  She believes God wants her to be happy too.  I have never seen someone so in tune with God’s will through such a f’ed up time.  Julian has turned into a man after God’s own hear.  His wife Jaqueline is still searching for happiness.

Katie had her husband leave her  because he did not want to have “the burden of marriage” which is asshole code for “wanted to chase after his own lusts.”  Katie is still hurt but she is an awesomely powerful Roller Derby Girl that gets to knock other people down while having 8 wheels strapped to her feet.  I’m sure Johannes is still looking for happiness.

My dad left my mom after 33 years.  My mom gets to see 20 grandchildren and help raise them up as beautiful Christ-followers.  She has had her faith grow 100 fold over the last 2 decades and the last time I spoke with my dad, he was talking about trying to be happy.

In my own family this very day, I believe someone is talking of their happiness.  I know what this means.  We all know what this means.  Your selfishness is not cute or entertaining.  You are spitting in the face of your Savior and that is not cool.  We have already lost a father, husband, grandfather to “happiness” so snap the F out of it and get yourself right with God and stop trying to be happy with yourself.

I know this isn’t the most eloquent of writings that I have done, but I am straight pissed off.  I know it isn’t nice to use names and specific circumstances, but my Savior never asks me to be nice.  People are afraid to call people out on these things because we “aren’t suppose to judge.”  Once again read His Word not your loose memory of what His Word may or may not have said.

I ask all those that have made it to the bottom of this to join me in prayer.  The Lord told us that what we bind here will be bound in heaven.  I ask you to pray with me that Bethany, Jaqueline, Johannes, my dad, the un-named and any other person in these chains of selfishness, that they all have their happiness bound and unattainable.  Not to punish them but so that they may find forgiveness.  Jesus isn’t some ho at the end of the bar, he is the bloodied, mangled risen body laying next to you in the ditch.  


  1. An added prayer for the 50%. Kind of a spin off of the 1% stuff going around. If 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce we need to pray for the individuals that are hurt and doing what they can to hold close to Christ because without hope they will be in as bad a place as the individuals that need a kick in the pants.

  2. As always Joe, I appreciate your bluntness and calling things out as it is. Your words speak a lot of truth about happiness. I have always found myself as the person who "just wants to be happy" but has never given much thought behind the phrase. After reading this I find myself realizing I need to focus on the "means to that outcome" rather than the outcome....I have a lot to ponder now.

  3. Thanks Joe, and Katie for telling me to read this. I've realized as well that I was searching for something unabtainable without even thinking about how to get there. I have been quite selfish the last 5 years of my life. I've been far away from God, pretty much never searching and even thinking about what Christ wants for me.
    I needed that kick in the pants.

  4. Hey Joe and other people,
    This a great blog! I have a lot of love for you all. Joe, thanks for allowing our saviour to use you as a vessel to write all this awesome stuff. Marriage is tough, if anybody ever told you it was going to be full of rainbows and unicorns they are liars. It is all about commitment. And Jesus. He's awesome. We should all put Jesus in the middle of it all.

    If any of you subscribe to Greg Boyd's podcasts, awesome. If you don't, you should. He is the preacher at Woodland Hills Church in Saint Paul, MN. He did a sermon on divorce. It was fantastic and very similar to what Joe is saying here.

    Love you all!!